Attachment is Like Breathing: You Can't Get it Wrong

Attachment really is like breathing. It’s just something we do. 

But how can that be? Especially if we’re cranky, edgy and building resentment by the hour?

And if we don’t co-sleep, use a sling, or bottle feed?

And if our parents were hardly super attuned or attentive? Or particularly “attached” themselves?

Maybe we’re just missing the attachment gene?

I used to worry about the same thing.

But here’s what I learned spending ten years studying the science of attachment: Each and every one of us is attached to someone. The exception is cases of extreme abuse and neglect, i.e. babies abandoned in institutions. Please, let’s all say a prayer for those babies. But know, with all the gratitude you can muster, that this is probably not the case for you or your children.

With that said, attachment doesn’t just happen to us if we’re lucky; it’s more like a capacity that grows in the sunlight of attention.

This intricate attachment system has an evolutionary purpose, which is to keep us in close proximity to someone who will take care of us, and keep us alive. It’s that simple.

While all mammals have an attachment system, we humans are born so helpless we rely mightily on others for a crazy long time. You could even say forever. I mean, who among us isn’t still a comfort-seeking missile?

Someone once asked Azalea, my 14 year old daughter, what attachment is, and she answered: You know how at a playground, you hear all the sounds of playing and swings, and then, louder than anything, some kid starts crying and yells MOM!? That’s attachment. 

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Attachment is just our way of yelling MOM! And the expectations that come along with our request for help. Ideally, at least some of the time, our calls are heard and we feel satisfied with the care we receive.

That’s attachment in a nutshell.

Photo Credit: Hillary Harvey

Now what?

So, like breathing, there are different qualities of attachment, and some are more optimal than others. But there’s no shame in having shallow breath, or otherwise unenlightened breath.

Researchers think of attachment as forming different patterns, a tendency that has accumulated over time and can always shift. There are two types of patterns: secure and insecure. Our pattern of attachment develops in relationship to our caregivers and the way they tend to respond when we yell MOM! (or DAD! Or GRANDMA!…you get it).

Securely attached children come in all temperamental and physio-neuro varieties but have one thing in common—they know how to use their primary caregiver as a “secure base” in times of stress. They know how to reach out to their caregiver when they need help, and the help they seek actually does the trick.

Or, as I often say, secure people know where their bread is buttered.

Insecurely attached kids have to try harder to get their needs met.

This extra effort can create avoidance for some insecurely attached kids, meaning, they turn away from their feelings of upset so as to avoid getting rejected. Which is, of course, ineffective and tiring. While other insecurely attached kids are ambivalent, or resistant, meaning they move in and out of feeling like they can depend on anyone. Also ineffective and tiring.

Insecure/Avoidant + Insecure/Ambivalent or Resistant are two types of attachment insecurity. Both still follow a pattern of attachment.

You may have heard of disorganized attachment. This is something that happens outside of the patterns, like pockets of deep confusion about where to turn. Disorganization can be present in otherwise secure patterns. Or it can be predominant.

So that’s attachment patterns.

Of course now you want to know what can you do to create a more secure attachment with your kids? Or if you are a securely attached adult.

Since you’re interested in this topic, there’s a good chance you’re a securely attached adult, since valuing attachment is the hallmark of secure adults.

And the research shows that securely attached adults TEND to (with a 75% chance) raise secure children.

But none of that really matters.

Mary Ainsworth, the OG of attachment research, and my personal hero and queen, found one thing at the heart of secure relationships, and that’s delight.

Delight.

Doesn’t matter how you get there.

We can all find something lovely right now, and let it in. An orange leaf, a new idea, that fork, the smell of sandalwood. Let’s open our hearts just a little to make room for that tiny, maybe invisible thing.

That’s delight.

Maybe the next thing you see will be your child.

She’s spilling apple juice. Again. He’s playing with his ipad when he’s supposed to be on a zoom call. They’re fighting over whose turn it is to feed the dog (everyone knows you’ll do it).

Maybe your heart will be a tad more open so you can see her little hands, reaching for something.

Maybe you can swoon just a little, even just for a second at her face, which you made.

Just be there. A little bit. Sometimes.

Breathing.

Are you with me?