Be Your Worst Self. Your Kids Will Thank You.

Feeling angry, frustrated, disappointed? Great! Let Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth Prevail.

Azalea, Photo Credit: Michelle Garner Brown

When my daughter Azalea was around five or six, whenever she’d do something annoying like spill her apple juice for the 3rd time during one breakfast, I’d grit my teeth and burn with rage inside, ranting to myself something along the lines of Jesus Christ what’s wrong with this kid I guess I’m a full time maid now when the hell am I ever supposed to get my work done and where’s Thayer [my husband] right now probably sitting at his desk checking his email grrrrrrrrrrrr……………

And that was a good day, one where I could keep all the internal pressure that was building up on the inside—so I thought. 

And she’d look at me calmly as she sat there in her Wonder Woman costume, and say, Mommy, are you happy?

Yes! I’d lie. 

Are you angry? She’d ask. 

No honey, I’d say, using an entire roll of paper towel to wipe up the spill.  

Really? She’d ask. 

Really! I’d chirp.

Are you….frustrated? Disappointed? 

No honey, I’d say, unable to meet her eyes. 

Even Wonder Woman’s lasso of truth couldn’t break through my fear of being honest—with myself.

That was then, back in the days when I believed that only my “best self” was presentable to Azalea, to the world, to myself. 

Those were the days when I still thought there was something wrong with my anger, with my frustration and my disappointment and that I needed to not only hide it from my daughter, but—more importantly—from myself.

Now I know that being our worst self—through and through—is what our kids need. Always, but especially now. 

I’ve spent the last ten years of my life studying the science of attachment (no, NOT Dr. Sears and his mom-shaming attachment parenting empire, but the real science that’s been studied by some of the most brilliant minds of the 20th and 21st centuries). I’ve been traveling to labs, archives and trainings trying to understand what kind of mother I am. What I discovered changed everything about who I thought I am and what love is. 

Brass tacks: More than anything else, kids need parents to attune to their feelings, their ups and downs, the emotional roller coaster of their lives. Not to fix, correct, change or shame, but to just witness. But don’t worry, this attuning doesn’t need to happen all the time, not even most of the time. 

50% of the time is as good as it gets.

How do we do that, especially if we weren’t so well attuned to ourselves?

We become friends with ourselves. We get to know our own ups and downs, and the emotional roller coasters of our own lives. And because it can be difficult to begin to notice the more subtle states of mind like satisfaction, and other pleasantries, it’s the big feelings that demand our attention.

In other words, our big scary feelings are a gift. 

And by noticing them, and seeing them as nothing less than a ping from your most wise, intuitive self, sending you an alert from within to—ENTER HERE—you can slow down and—over time—act out of your feelings less and less.

Does it seem strange that we regulate our children by regulating ourselves? Only until you see for yourself just how intimately connected we are with our children. According to the science of attachment, not to mention every spiritual practice on earth, in fact, we’re one thing. 

Today, Azalea is 14. Going to school two days a week, staring into the abyss of Google Meets the other days. We’re all doing our best. 

These days, she can usually predict when I’m about to fly off the handle because she’s acting entitled or because I’m tired, and if I’m under pressure with deadlines, but if my storm takes her by surprise she’ll say, Geez, I didn’t know you were gonna get so fiery!

Feelings fly in our house (in an invisible jet no less!). And I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

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